Written by: Ellie Barkman
Do you ever decide you need a drink, but know that the fountain outside your classroom won’t quite be satisfying? Maybe the water is too low, or uncomfortably warm. “I can take a short walk,” you think. “I’m working hard, I deserve a good drink.” Well, if you’re going to spend all that time walking to a less convenient water fountain, it may as well be the best one in the school, or at least not the worst. Right?
Here’s where I come in, to help you with this troubling issue. You could even call me a water fountain connoisseur. Let’s take a look. First things ﬁrst: it’s always safe to trust a fountain where one twists the knob (let’s call them twisties) instead of pushing the button (let’s call them pushies). Twisties have a certain citrusy taste; this is because the water is puriﬁed and then lemons and ice cubes are added. Above all else, this water is for the classiest of students. Top notch. Grab a wine glass. Ah, the ice cubes: these fountains are also usually cold. It’s almost as if the water is kept in Room 304. Twisties are a good bet.
Pushies are not always a good bet. Usually, yes, they’re ﬁne. But sometimes, one is unpleasantly surprised: the fountain across from Room 307, a pushy, is easily the worst fountain in the school and a complete waste of your time. Not only is the ﬂow very low, but the water shoots toward you, and it smells vaguely of ﬁsh. It even left purple residue in my water bottle once. Another time the water itself was green. Another time a rock came out of it. One comes into this predicament simply thirsty, and one leaves discouraged and confused. We don’t need that kind of negativity, now, do we?
The only water fountain that has an irrelevant rating is the one across from the ofﬁces, or, if you will, the “gym one.” If you’re running laps, you need water. I won’t even bother discussing this one (for the record, it’s very average. Nothing fantastic, but it gets the job done). I would say that every twisty has more or less the same rating: very high. However, I can say that, based on my research, the two fountains that are exceptional and absolutely worth the walk are: Drum roll please!
1. On the second ﬂoor, across from Room 221,
2. On the third ﬂoor, across from Room 324.
So the next time you’re too thirsty to think, need a walk or simply want to get away from a boring lesson, you can thank me for showing you what’s what in the world of leaving class and not wasting your personal, valuable time.