My Dirty Little Secret

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Written by: Anonymous

Vices are hard. I never really thought I had any, but in writing for this issue of

Tigertalk, I’ve learned differently. Perhaps it’s the inherently negative connotations

of the word, but I’m realizing more and more what it means to have vices.

Sometimes they’re tangible things like watching too much Netflix or taking

performance enhancers. But sometimes, the things that really plague us aren’t

I have always considered myself a confident person. I have no problem

performing in front of large crowds; in fact I revel in it. I haven’t ever had major

body issues and I am generally happy. But somehow there’s always this nagging at

the back of my mind that distances me from all of those positive elements of myself

and leaves me is this self-deprecating pit of doubt. I’ve tried to attribute it to a lot of

things. “Maybe it’s just stress”, “everybody feels like this sometimes”, “I just have

bad luck”, and while that may be true, it doesn’t change the fact that a vice is a

My vice is self-doubt. While that may seem dumb, a cliché even, it’s actually

quite hounding. I am constantly striving for greatness, to be the best and feel the

best. However, I regularly find that I have zero faith and expectation in myself. It’s

almost like I feel I don’t deserve it, that it’s supposed to happen to someone else, just

not me. I sometimes catch myself not believing others’ compliments. It’s not that I

don’t appreciate them, of course I do. I merely put myself in a position that feels

safe, a position where I don’t value myself.

I sometimes wonder if I should even try for things anymore, because I

convince myself I can’t get them. Maybe others see me differently, but honestly,

what I’ve come to realize is that your vices aren’t about anybody else. Thinking of

your vices, as shameful, “dirty little secrets” actually does more damage than good.

While they may seem all consuming, they don’t have to be. And no, there may not be

a Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul to get you out of your rut, there certainly isn’t

for me, but acknowledging your vice can sometimes help to combat it.

Maybe it sounds cheesy, but I’m trying to change. I don’t like feeling like I

can’t achieve things, or that I’m not worth it. Sometimes it’s just about telling my

brain to snap out of it and focus. And sometimes it takes a little more convincing and

pushing myself to do things that I wouldn’t normally try. I think part of it comes

from a fear of failure, and I’m pretty sure that’s still there. But regardless, I think it’s

about not seeing my vice as something that needs to be hidden away. It’s true that

it’s personal; my vice is just for me. But it’s becoming something more.

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