WORST HOLIDAY MOVIES

Written by: Lucas Thomas

ELF

elf

This is a great movie if not for it’s over use during this time of year which is a shame, because I liked this movie before it became a holiday tradition showing up on every major channel this year.This is a film primarily aimed at the kiddies and is so predictably sappy. Lets face the facts, you probably already seen this film this year so why watch it again?

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK

Richard Gere and Winona Ryder star in this film. Most disturbing to me is the age difference between them (Winona is 29and Richard is 51) but that is the least of this movie’s issues. In fact, it really isn’t an issue at all, because unlike other movies, this one does not ignore the age gap, it actually acknowledges it and jokes about it, thus it alleviates what at first glance seems like an oversight in the plot. What could have been a very strong romantic movie is instead a shallow turd without clear character motivation and an ending that can be seen from low orbit. Basically Richard Gere falls for Winona Ryder, only to learn she’s dying of a rare illness that makes her a bad actor then she dies on Christmas day. Despite the predictability of the plot, this is not the movie’s weakest point. The dialogue is what kills it.

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

christmas with the kranks

Holiday hijinks at it worst. This movie is filled with old jokes, fat jokes and slap stick humor. Tim Allen and wife Jamie Lee Curtis have the idea to take a pass on all the decorating, caroling and happiness, but Conformity is enforced by Fascist holiday-nazi neighbors who will stop at nothing until the Kranks are punished for their crimes against Santa Claus.

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRITMAS

grinch

To those who say this movie isn’t bad, go read the book. The horrifying Hollywood envisionment of Dr. Seuss beloved classic, Jim Carrey playing a gross exaggerated version of the Grinch gave us all nightmares as children. It’s gross and deviant. Everything the original was about anti-materialism, harshness and simplicity is trashed by the tasteless, loud, vulgar, flamboyant and swelled over-production of this live-action version. That includes unrestrained acting monkey that is Jim Carrey, in fact this film deviated from Seuss’s original work so much that Audrey Geisel, who owns her husband’s works, decided not to allow any further live-action adaptations of Seuss’ work.

FOUR CHRISTMASES

four christmases

Basically it’s about a couple who struggle to fit in visits with all four divorced parents on Christmas Day. Ignoring the dull premise, this film is wildly uneven, it’s a mix of gross gags, slapstick and sickly sweet emotion that will make you wonder if Vince Vaughn.

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT PART 1

315f4076-8aea-41a9-b7d1-d8f1e4bb0239-SD

Mixing the horror genre with Christmas this movie is about a young man who witnessed the death and rape of his parents and finally snaps, puts on a familiar red outfit, and goes on a killing spree. The film faced harsh controversy for emphasizing that the killer in the film was santa claus and on the fact it was released around Christmas and the PTA fought to have it removed. This film has become infamous online for its cheesy delivery and terrible acting, more specifically the acting of lead actor Eric Freeman. I give this movie a few points for creativity but the movie’s biggest fault is the fact that it’s bad acting.

ADAM SANDLER’S EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS

eight

Adam Sandler poops out a movie every year; in 2002 he pooped out this movie. The movie plays like a typical Sandler poop-fest – complete with a cameo from Rob Schneider. Rob Schneider is the dung beetle willing to work through Adams poop in order to survive as an actor. Adam plays his usual boy-man, this time with a drunkard twist whose scroogeness ruins both Christmas and Chanukkah for everyone in his small town. While certainly not his worst flick it’s definitely up there. It’s too inappropriate for younger children, and too juvenile for older viewers leaving a very small demographic of hard-core Sandler fans to pick through the poop. Even at an hour and ten minutes, the movie still feels long. That’s due to the stupid songs present in the movie. I know I used the word poop a lot in this review, but that’s because Scatological humor is Adam’s specialty it only seemed fitting that I judge him and his movies based on his own merit. Adam Sandler is poopoo.

THE SANTA CLAUS 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE

santa

A third installment is usually the worst in the trilogy and adding a directionless and uninspired Martin Short doesn’t help, Santa clause 3 is an unwatchable two dimensional snore fest that no one cares about, its almost insulting how bad it is. The fact that they try to add a mythos to this garbage is enough to make anyone sick. The more I talk about it the worst I feel for even acknowledging it exists. Tim Allen needed the money. Skip it this year.

JACK FROST (1997 and 1998)

jackfrost

This is a composite review of two films of the same name, ones a horror movie the other a fantasy film. Both involve men named Jack being reborn as a snow man after a car crash. Both films are filled with awful jokes cheesy special effects and terrible acting.  Jack Frost 1997 sees a serial killer responsible for many deaths across several states transform into a killer snow man after he is melted into snow by some chemicals. Now an unstoppable killing machine he proceeds to murder everybody and no amount of bullets, explosives or hairdryers will stop him.  Jack Frost 1998 sees Rock Star played by Michael Keaton killed in a car crash only to become “ the world’s coolest dad” when his ghost possess a snowman his son makes after he plays on a magic harmonica, its got boob jokes though.

FRED CLAUS

fredclaus

This movie made me hate Christmas.

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