Written by Anonymous
There are numerous ways to find love this Valentines day. Pick one of my tricks and I guarantee success.
- Snap a selfie of yourself with a dog or cat. Emphasize your own face, but be satisfied with the picture (photoshop, or whatever it takes). Print it onto posters that says “LOST PET” and includes your cell number. A recommended phrase to use would be: “Call with or without information about my pet.”
- Convince your best friend to pepper spray you outside of a boy’s (or girl’s!) washroom. Enter – very cute and obliviously – and see how it goes. Studies show that 90% of people who do this marry someone in the washroom at that time.
- Switch schools and pretend to be british.
- Fall over next to your crush. Act angry and threaten to report them. From this you will gain either an awkward meeting at the office, or a guilted date!
- Give your crush their crushes number. But spoiler: it’s really yours.
- Ever heard the cliché “they only want what they can’t have”? Well, it’s true. To get a beautiful person’s undivided attention, get engaged to anyone but that beautiful person. HaHaHa. They’ll be so jealous!
- Sit in the lost and found (good things come to those who wait).
- Have you ever noticed that superheroes always fall in love with the one they save? Choose your superhero. If you claim to be without a crush, choose the person with your favorite flow. Identify the following: their home address, the time they depart for school, and their favorite colour. Make sure that on the morning of action, you are wearing a gown or tuxedo of that colour. Cut a small hole in the fabric in the stomach area. Purchase fake blood. Surround the hole with fake blood. Find a collapsible knife and put it through the hole. One morning before school, find yourself in front of their house. As they are opening their front door to exit, yell “STOP” to an imaginary character and then scream a high shrill shriek. Lie on the ground and keep your eyes open but be dazed. When they arrive to save you. Kiss them. Studies show that your crush is 72.34% more likely to fall in love with you while they are saving you.
That’s all I’ve got in my book. I wouldn’t be surprised if everybody at Harbord has a date for Valentine’s Day this year! Well, except me maybe… Anyways, good luck!