Written by Diogo Mello
I begin typing this at 1:12am, some would consider this a strange time to be awake on a Thursday night for a student. I disagree. No amount of chamomile tea can calm my chassis nor can music mellow out my mysterious mind. I ponder each minute of the present day and fear the hours of the future. I wiggle my toes to ensure I still can. Along with the rest of my body they’re numb. My breathing becomes deeper and shorter, things begin to blur. It becomes unbearable to even think clearly as I write this.
The sky looks beautiful tonight, both of my shutters are swung open, and the blinds are pulled to the top. My mind begins to calm itself down at the sight of the moon. I have many regrets that I think about now as I stare into the visible space. I wish I wrote this article sooner, I wish I was more organized, but above all I wish the year would slow down.
Before my senior year started this was the last time I remember seeing on my phone’s clock before I feel asleep. My alarm was set for 7:20am, my clothes were folded waiting for me next to my backpack. I was nervously excited to begin my year. Now I wish it was that same first day. I had simpler ideas for the year back then and though it was only seven months ago, much has changed in the way I think now. I want to take this moment to thank each person who helped me see the brighter side to life this year.
Have you ever begun to fall asleep and then woken up abruptly because you have finally realized those series of events which happened three years ago shaped you into the person you are today? Has it happened more than three times a week? Did you lose countless hours of sleep trying to figure that out? Who is the first person you call/text when you need someone by your side? What are your darkest moments? Where do you feel happiest? When did you realize that you were suffering from a type of agony? Why do you think you’re alone? These are questions I want you to think about when you get into these moments.
I’ve been trying to distract my thoughts by drowning them out with anything at my disposal; so far nothing has worked I’m still wide awake. Around this time I usually begin to ask myself strange questions and write them down hoping that one-day I will receive an answer. A few I came up with are:
Why are pants considered a pair?
Why is Alanis Morissette’s song called “Ironic” if none of the lyrics are actually ironic? Is that the ironic part of it?
If hipsters hate mainstream, and hating mainstream becomes mainstream does that mean they have to love it?
Everyone thinks it’s strange that someone decided to drink the liquid that came from the cow’s utter. Can you imagine what went through the person’s mind who decided to make cheese from that same milk?
Why did Frito-Lay assume it was okay to make the chip bags smaller without the consent of its consumers?
So now those of you reading somewhat understand how my brain works. If you’re weirded out by it, you are not alone – I often question how my process of thinking works. Especially in times of agony. I stayed up all night because all I can think about this year was all the times I have messed up. I kept thinking that I messed up this year. That there was more I could of done, experiences I could have prevented from happening. The relationships I could have mended with the people I had done wrong. The month of May is when I ask myself is did I fuck this year up?
Agony through the different perspectives…
“Intense pain of mind or body” –Merriam-Webster dictionary
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you” –Maya Angelou
“The amorous subject, according to one contingency or another, feels swept away by the fear of danger, an injury, an abandonment, a revulsion–a sentiment he expresses under the name of anxiety.” –Ronald Barthes
“Agony, something no one should face alone.” –A friend
My alarm just went of. Let’s see if anyone can tell that I didn’t sleep again last night. That’s the beauty of coffee a few cups and no one can tell that I’ve missed four nights of sleep in a row. Don’t think you’re alone at night with thousands of racing thoughts, there are millions of others going though the same thing.