Written by: Yours truely
Birdman – A delightful rom-com featuring Harbord grad Keanu Reeves dressed up like a bird and jumping off a bridge to win the love of girl-next-door Heidi Montag. This one will fly away with your heart!
Boyhood – An action adventure about a creepy cyborg robot boy who time travels twelve years back to the future to lecture middle-school bullies on empathy. Features a break out performance by new It-boy, Weezy.
Captain America: Winter Soldier – A sequel to the highly successful Captain Canada: Summer Job at Fiesta Farms, this film is entirely silent until the very end when it gets very very loud all of a sudden.
The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay – When a pizza delivery goes horribly wrong, there’s only one thing left on the menu: revenge, with a side of poutine. Gnarly veteran rodeo clown Clint Eastwood’s directorial debut.
Interstellar – Return of the crazy cast of much loved martial arts TV series, Friends. Spoiler alert: it’s all just a dream and you’ll want your money back.
Gone Girl – A girl is gone. That’s about it really. She just left. Gone. There’s really no reason to see this movie at all. She’s gone already. Three and half hours of watching a phone ring in an empty room. Winner of the Palme d’or at Cannes.
X-Men: Days of Future Past – Zany comedy about five hopeless alcoholics believing that they have super powers and determined to save the world.
The Interview – Probably the greatest movie ever made.
The LEGO Movie – The speedy sequel to Boyhood where the cyborg robot boy continues his time traveling journey to a point where no computers exist and LEGO is the only game in town.
Lucy – A story about one ape that was just a little smarter than the rest of them. Featuring Scarlett Johansson in her first ever non-human role.
Mr. Turner – The story of John Turner – the former prime minister of Canada – and his secret passion for painting. There is more to this movie than meets the eye.
The Grand Budapest Hotel – Wes Anderson’s latest and greatest project. After holidaying in Paris a couple chooses Budapest as their vacation destination. Little do they know you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.
The Theory of Everything – A movie about a stoner, what more is there to say.
The Imitation Game – A lonely mathematician seeks to become an action hero in the next big blockbuster. He encounters a few obstacles along the way including his discovery that years of math doesn’t do much for the physique.
Disclaimer: These are not accurate reviews and are written for a strictly comical purpose.